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Ugh

What do you do when someone is lying to you, but you can't prove it (because it's about how they feel) and you can't confront them about it (because doing so would create disproportionately contentious conflict)?

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( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
wyrmwwd
Feb. 16th, 2015 03:18 pm (UTC)
Every person is responsible for their own feelings. That doesn't mean that they can control them (no one can), but it does mean that, if they are feeling a certain way, and they choose not to be honest about that, then that is their responsibility. There is nothing that you can do about it. For example, the lady that I am currently living with (not My Partner, the other one), is clearly upset about the fact that I am moving out. Instead of being honest about that and saying "I'm really upset that you are moving out. I'm going to miss you terribly, and I am afraid that you are going to disappear and I'll never see you again, leaving me to feel abandoned and betrayed." what she does is try to cover it up with 1) a lot of silly joviality that I just find annoying, and 2) a plan to sabotage her daughter's coven. Does this make any sense? No. Is it healthy? No. Is it my job to confront her on this.... NO.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Ebon. The only thing you can to is make yourself available and receptive, should they decide, at some point, that they want/need to be a more authentic self. And, of course, keep being your true self, as well.
ebenbrooks
Feb. 16th, 2015 03:32 pm (UTC)
Good points, all of them. Not exactly easy to follow, but I'll try to keep them in mind.
wyrmwwd
Feb. 16th, 2015 03:37 pm (UTC)
Of course, you are responsible for your own feelings, too. If this situation is making you very, very uncomfortable, there is also the strategy of taking some time to figure out exactly what you are feeling and why, and then communicating that to the other person. The phrasing is important. Instead of saying "I'm upset because I think you are not being honest with me." you can say something like "I'm feeling insecure." or "I'm feeling frustrated." Make it about you, and your feelings, rather than about them. But do it gently. This is the way to avoid (hopefully) a big blow up. However, the longer that the emotions are bottled up, the more likelihood for an explosion.
ebenbrooks
Feb. 16th, 2015 04:46 pm (UTC)
I think the problem is more in the fact that this situation does make me feel insecure, which is (from a logical and observational standpoint) not really warranted. I'm reacting as if the person were someone else, and I need to figure out how to not react in that way.
wyrmwwd
Feb. 16th, 2015 05:14 pm (UTC)
Good start!

This is classic PTSD. You are experiencing emotions that are tied to an earlier trauma. Good job! A good way to work on that is to either find someone you trust and tell them what happened to you in the past that made you feel that way, or write it down in a journal. That will not only re-associate those feelings with their proper event, but also give you inner child a chance to "tell".

kishiriadgr
Feb. 16th, 2015 11:53 pm (UTC)
If you can tell them how you can detect they're not being truthful, use that. "If you don't feel X, why are you doing Y?" Frame it as concern, not confrontation.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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