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Dear Automobile Makers of the World:

Please, for the love of Ceiling Cat, get rid of those damned "panic buttons" on our car remotes!

First, why are they even there in the first place? What possible reason could I have to want to trigger my car's alarm manually? I can understand having a button to turn off the alarm manually, but to trigger it?

Second, my alarm has never gone off . . . except when I (or my mechanic) have accidentally pressed that button. Most often, it happens when my keys are in my pocket while I'm sitting at my desk at work or in the living room at home. I have never had to turn off the alarm on my car when it wasn't triggered by the damned "panic button" in the first place.

As I said, I can understand then need for a button to turn the alarm off, such as when it gets triggered by a high wind, an earthquake, or a kid's ball hitting the car from the next yard over. So, fine, put that button on the remote. But don't make the same button (or any other button, for that matter) set the damned alarm off in the first place.

Thanks to accidental presses of this superfluous button, I've scared neighbors, annoyed my boss, and startled myself into dropping things I was trying to carry out of the car. There has never been a positive outcome of pressing that button. Never!

So please, get rid of the damn things. You'll be doing the world an enormous favor. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Eben Brooks
The Working Class Superhero of San Diego, CA

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
cerrberus
Nov. 6th, 2012 03:27 pm (UTC)
Duct tape?
ebenbrooks
Nov. 6th, 2012 03:28 pm (UTC)
I can see how duct tape could hold it down (i.e., in the "pressed" position), but I can't see how using duct tape could prevent it from being pressed. Do you have an idea as to how it could? If so, please share! :D

Edited at 2012-11-06 07:29 pm (UTC)
psybelle
Nov. 6th, 2012 04:37 pm (UTC)
I sense a great secondary market here - replacement keys with or without that so-called functionality.

Meanwhile - pry the button up and break one of the contacts? I'm not sure what duct tape would do, either....
ebenbrooks
Nov. 6th, 2012 05:24 pm (UTC)
That's a thought. I'll have to look into that.
esprix
Nov. 6th, 2012 04:40 pm (UTC)
THE PANIC BUTTON ONCE SAVED MY MOTHER FROM A BURNING BUILDING YOU BASTARD! :P

Edited at 2012-11-06 08:40 pm (UTC)
ebenbrooks
Nov. 6th, 2012 05:24 pm (UTC)
Really? How?
esprix
Nov. 6th, 2012 07:23 pm (UTC)
OMG it was awful! The fire started without warning, but we all got out and forgot mother (she always was the quietest one). Turns out she was still making dinner for the whole family for Thanksgiving, bless her. Once we got out and did a head count (all 47 of us!), we realized one was missing. Took a few minutes to figure out it was her (we missed her lovely perfume in the evening air), but at that point the roof had gone up. While pondering (politely) what to do next, I heard the tell-tale jingle - my keys! Lo and behold the panic button had leapt off of father's belt loop (where he always carries them, as a gentleman always does) and rushed into the house. We were astonished! After having failed PE in junior high, no one thought it could move quite so fast! At this point the firemen had arrived, but as handsome and comely as they were, not a one of them had any idea what to do - apparently they'd all just come off a night shift in Vegas and were still hung over. I did my best, but I became concerned when the panic button hadn't come out. "Oughtn't someone call him, or something?" I said, but just as the words escaped my lips, out came the panic button with my mother over its shoulders. She was, in a word, a MESS, let me tell you. Took DAYS to get the cinders out of her coiffeure, but thankfully Eduardo is amazing with a comb and a fire extinguisher. The firemen were so impressed they all tore their clothes off and... no, wait, that was the daydream I was having. It wasn't until mother smacked me with her smoldering spatula that I realized she'd been saved. The mayor, who had arrived at this point (tacky tie, BTW), immediately bestowed the key to the city and a Cinnabon upon the button, and as the house burned down to the strains of "God Save The Queen," we celebrated long into the night for mother's safe return.

SO SAY NOTHING BAD ABOUT THAT BUTTON - I KNOW IT'S GOING TO HEAVEN TO SING WITH THE ANGELS ONE DAY!
ebenbrooks
Nov. 6th, 2012 08:21 pm (UTC)
Heh. Okay, thanks. That was worth a few smiles. :)
esprix
Nov. 7th, 2012 02:21 pm (UTC)
One does one's best. ;)
aulayan
Nov. 6th, 2012 05:08 pm (UTC)
The panic button works on cars that do not have alarm systems as well. How it can be useful? Hit it if you're near your car and in some trouble.

Sure it's situational, but I think that's a nice safety measure.
ebenbrooks
Nov. 6th, 2012 05:25 pm (UTC)
An air horn would work just as well. Or a whistle. Seriously, if a "safety measure" is triggered accidentally 99% of the time, most people will end up ignoring it even when it's a real emergency. It's the whole "boy who cried wolf" thing.
aulayan
Nov. 6th, 2012 06:45 pm (UTC)
Well the air horn or whistle can be forgotten. Car keys usually aren't. Also the goal isn't really to draw help, but to scare off anything that is seeking harm.
gingersnapps
Nov. 6th, 2012 11:10 pm (UTC)
Speaking as someone who has been sexually assaulted and left to struggle to find help ~ I would have given anything for something to help scare away (or draw the slightest attention to) my predicament. Hopefully, there are still a few good samaritans who will at least spare a passing glance.
ebenbrooks
Nov. 7th, 2012 11:39 am (UTC)
Oogh. Okay, despite my initial opposition, this is the best argument in favor of the things that I've yet heard (the entire line of reasoning, not just your comment, gingersnapps).
(Deleted comment)
ebenbrooks
Nov. 8th, 2012 01:06 pm (UTC)
A "beep beep" is one thing. Hitting a button to make your car chirp is fine. If that button is accidentally pressed, it doesn't scare people or annoy neighbors (much). Having a button that sets off the alarm, on the other hand, is IMHO overkill.

And besides, car remotes only have a range of about thirty feet. So if you really lose your vehicle, using the remote wouldn't help anyway, alas.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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